Well I didn't know what else to call it other than ashamed.

I went to my good friends wedding on sat the 8th Dec where I only knew the maid of honour and of course the bride.

I get socially anxious with meeting new people at the best of times but when I know its in a period of longer than an hour and that I will be staying in a place overnight which isn't my own bed, well its a hell of a lot harder for me.

I travelled 3 1/2 to 4 hours to get there, made it through the ceremony (3pm start, finished about 4pmish), made it to the yacht club (where we were having the reception dinner at 6pm). I had a Jim Beam and cola because I was in internal distress and was very uncomfortable and knew that that would relax me.

I didn't have enough money to get the bride and groom a present and hadn't gotten around to buying them a card so I was feeling a heavy guilt and down on myself for that.

I found my place at the 6th table and remembered some of the ladies that had been at the hens night, so I felt momentarily more relaxed......

Then I realised the usual social chat that happens at a table:
What do you do for a living?
Do You have a partner?
Do you have any kids?
Where do you live?

They are easy questions right?
Well how do you explain you have a serious mental illness which has prevented you from being able to keep employment/pursue education, have a healthy relationship/let alone kids, to top it off you cant afford your own place because of a lack of money?

Needless to say the bar was open and over time I had drink after drink (champagne sunset - champagne, orange juice and red cordial)
I didn't drink till I was belligerent or overly intoxicated, I just drank until the discomfort went away.

Over the night I was able to have a lot of laughs.... have conversations that were light and even add a few fb friends.

The morning after came and soon the negative and the paranoid thoughts crept in...

What if they think I drank far too much?
Did I look like an idiot/alcoholic/disgusting etc?

I spoke to my psychotherapist about it today and I still havent been able to get it all out of my head....

Does anyone else do this and what do you do to try and stop yourself from doing it?