I have a real problem, and I don't know what to do about it. The fact of the matter is, I hate people. REALLY hate people. You honestly can't imagine just how much I hate them. I suppose I have for at least the past 10 years, although I am noticing this rage and hatred inside me more and more these days. It scares me quite a lot. I know I need to do something about it, but I have tried lots of different things, and I always wind back up exactly where I started. I tried exercising, I've tried keeping a diary, I've tried "thinking positively" (whatever that actually means), and yes, I have seen a therapist about it. The exercise was overly time-consuming and gave me injuries, the diary was good short-term, but doesn't seem to have helped in the long run, and seeing the therapist was a disaster. My therapist was very much a "yes" person - she pretty much wanted me to lie about how I feel to my friends and loved ones, so as not to invoke negativity, and to be a total pushover, even when I am wronged or hurt. Now, I fully realize my way of doing things is wrong, but I am no pushover, nor could I ever be one. Surely, there must be a happy medium in between???

I've been trying to analyze what provokes this anger and hatred towards Homo sapiens, and to understand the process I go through when I feel this way. I think there are some definite trends - the first is that I always feel people misunderstand me, sometimes even deliberately (meaning, they know that their assumptions about me are wrong, yet they choose to believe and spread them anyway). Also, I feel that people ignore me - again, this sometimes comes over as being deliberate. I also feel very hurt still from the days when I was bullied/teased/abused/neglected by everyone, including my parents. All in all, this brings me to the place in which I always find myself - with the belief that people are stupid, hurtful, selfish, arrogant, and oblivious to the needs of others. After I have this rage, inevitably, there is remorse and sadness, and physical exhaustion.

I am about to start a new chapter in my life - I am leaving the East and am going out to Colorado to live and work, in early January. I am excited that I will be on my own again and in a state that I love, yet I am also very worried. Seriously, I want to turn over a new leaf, I want to be better and feel better. But I feel that I am in such a rut with this rage about people, and that I can't get out of it. I have no idea what to do, and am very scared...