Quote:
Originally Posted by indigo1015
I have a real problem, and I don't know what to do about it. The fact of the matter is, I hate people. REALLY hate people. You honestly can't imagine just how much I hate them. I suppose I have for at least the past 10 years, although I am noticing this rage and hatred inside me more and more these days. It scares me quite a lot. I know I need to do something about it, but I have tried lots of different things, and I always wind back up exactly where I started. I tried exercising, I've tried keeping a diary, I've tried "thinking positively" (whatever that actually means), and yes, I have seen a therapist about it. The exercise was overly time-consuming and gave me injuries, the diary was good short-term, but doesn't seem to have helped in the long run, and seeing the therapist was a disaster. My therapist was very much a "yes" person - she pretty much wanted me to lie about how I feel to my friends and loved ones, so as not to invoke negativity, and to be a total pushover, even when I am wronged or hurt. Now, I fully realize my way of doing things is wrong, but I am no pushover, nor could I ever be one. Surely, there must be a happy medium in between???
I've been trying to analyze what provokes this anger and hatred towards Homo sapiens, and to understand the process I go through when I feel this way. I think there are some definite trends - the first is that I always feel people misunderstand me, sometimes even deliberately (meaning, they know that their assumptions about me are wrong, yet they choose to believe and spread them anyway). Also, I feel that people ignore me - again, this sometimes comes over as being deliberate. I also feel very hurt still from the days when I was bullied/teased/abused/neglected by everyone, including my parents. All in all, this brings me to the place in which I always find myself - with the belief that people are stupid, hurtful, selfish, arrogant, and oblivious to the needs of others. After I have this rage, inevitably, there is remorse and sadness, and physical exhaustion.
I am about to start a new chapter in my life - I am leaving the East and am going out to Colorado to live and work, in early January. I am excited that I will be on my own again and in a state that I love, yet I am also very worried. Seriously, I want to turn over a new leaf, I want to be better and feel better. But I feel that I am in such a rut with this rage about people, and that I can't get out of it. I have no idea what to do, and am very scared...
|
Dear Indigo,
We live close, I am in nj also.
My advice to you would be, I think this move will be good for you.
And you are right about people but hate the deed not all people.
If you can put a wedge between the deed and the person you will find either ignorance or evil (people with malicious intent). Forgive the first and put distance with the second.
You feel misunderstood because you have a unique perspective.
Your understanding has been tainted by the past, this is not your fault.
You learned to survive by the tools you had then.
Hate and Anger are exhausting you.
Parents most likely did not provide a safe learning enviorment for you to learn. Discouragement, punishment, and neglect taught you anger/rage.
Healthy emotional responses or proper analitical skills to evaluate the circumstances past/present/future and to think of actions that bring out positive outcomes. Will bring you joy and calmness.
To turn a new leaf You can learn to change how you feel about people, to let go of this rage. It is up to you and takes time and have patience.
The happy medium is discernment. Dont give your self/emotions away to the people who are not trustworthy and don't be baited by your emotions.
Fortitude to the truth. Deliberate to the death is something surviviors do and if applied with discernment is a wonderful skill that will lead to a more happy life. And you will meet people that misunderstand you, you could teach them alot!!
Hope this helps,
H.
