I actually lost my husband of 2 years (2009-2011) because of this. I don't want to frighten you.

He hated how I kept playing little games and pushing him away and clinging to him by turns. It was really hard on him.

And on me, too.

BPD.

I felt so lost, so trapped by this condition with no way out and nothing really learned, yet, to deal with it.

I was so insecure. I had no self at all. I got married September of 2009 and I really had no me. Just a shell and then my husband was out there. I knew he loved me; he must; he kept telling me, but I did not feel it. I did not think there was anything in me for him to love. Why not? Cause there was no me. I did not feel something because it did not exist. "I love you, Carol," he kept saying. It felt like he was touching a void where I should have been. No wonder I could not feel it.

This continued (because I still did not learn who I was yet) until we broke up September of 2011.

I was developing a me finally, but not quite.

I am still working on it.

I hope I can be okay with me so that someone can come in, finally.

How do you feel?

Do you feel like there is no you? Just an emptiness and then there is your man on the outside?

You may disregard this if it does not help.

This is just what I experienced.

I don't see my divorce as punishment; only another sad symptom.

I hope your man does not leave. I hope you can believe him. I know it's hard to sit still with this.

I never learned to just sit still and let someone feel something for me. or even be.

Carol