I too have felt like I was in that catch 22 where I know need therapy but feel like it's a waste of time. For me, I was also "trapped" in the mental health grid, wanting to SH, SH'ing and keeping it a secret because I did not want to be "submitted" (committed) to the inpatient again.

I learned that I don't have to act on those feelings. Wanting to SH is from wanting to "short circuit" that extreme discomfort from feeling unreal, numb, or in so much emotional pain.

I am glad you came on here.

You don't have to act on them. You talk to us as much as you need to. Learn to process your feelings safely. I know they can really feel uncomfortable---uncomfortable---what an understatement. I went thru that this past few days, hated myself so much and felt such pain. I did not hurt myself; I had to resist going back to old behaviors. It felt like I was dealing with a wild animal.

It's from a lot of emotional pain and feeling invalid and unreal. Me anyway.

When you get command of this, you won't need hospitalization. when I got more command of it (I only had one episode last month) I was not hospitalized for five years. I left PHP in 2009. Have not gone back.

I hope you will be okay.

I don't work but I remember being hospitalized many times before and missing being at home and my roommate felt strange not having me around. People in my email groups started wondering if I had disappeared and my email used to overflow.

Carol