ughh... the xmas carrol, i hate that lol, bah humbug lol. well there was a version with mickey mouse or goofy that i recall i kinda liked.

yea this hypo is a blessing, it will get me through. the lame tricky thing that comes along with it is lack of attention and follow through. so i have these good ideas but grabbing one and making it happen is near impossible.

then there is the heightened sex drive, which is fine i'm managing it and not doing anything i'd regret. bf was here last night, made me dinner, but he was too tired. it's been months and i really want some intimacy. he made it clear from the beginning that sex is not really important to him, i suppose infrequent companionship is what he likes.

anyway last night, he said he was only going to buy my older son socks for xmas, cuz anything else he thinks he'll sell for drugs, which is possible. this sounds minor, but was heart warming for me cuz i was shocked he even considered my older son at all, they have been at odds for 5 years, and that's really my main prob with bf. i have felt like he's an idiot for thinking i'd choose him over my son, not going to happen.

well, maybe that did happen cuz i've stayed with him. could've contributed to why my son is so messed up. he's felt abandoned by 3 father/role models.

too hard to explain my weird r/s right now, i'm confusing myself. but i guess i might be warming up to bf again. if he's willing to buy my son socks, maybe he'd start doing guy things with him, hiking, mountain biking, teach him to drive. maybe we could go to therapy and he could learn to understand and have compassion for my son's bp, and finally rebuild a bond with him. maybe i could finally have a husband and a family like i've always wanted. maybe not, but maybe yes... maybe it's too late, maybe it's not... i really don't know yet.

Anyway thank you for the caring and support, i love you guys.