MAN I have been in a mood the last couple of days. I'm absolutely furious, about so much and yet so little that I don't understand it.

I am tired of being steamrollered, invalidated, told I don't deserve to have feelings and opinions. I am tired of my crappy little brainless PT job for which I have received no training and yet get yelled at at least twice a day for screwing up something I didn't know I was supposed to do. I'm tired of double standards -- one for everybody else, and one for me. I'm frustrated, and I'm ticked off, in large part at myself, for being stupid enough to ever, EVER open my mouth.

Don't tell me not to take it personally, because I do. I just do. That's just the way I am. What is said to and about me I take to reflect on myself as a person. That leads me to believing that I am a worthless piece of crap (doesn't take much to get me there). And the only way I know to relieve anger of this intensity is to hurt myself.

I have been on blood thinners for 3 months, and will be for life. I haven't tried to cut since then, because last week I bled through 3 bandaids from a scrape that wouldn't have drawn blood from anybody else. But right now, I really couldn't care less. I want to see it. If I bleed on, over, under and through everything in the immediate vicinity, I don't care. I want physical proof of my feelings. I want people to know I am angry, but I can't deal with retaliation, except against myself.

I have a friend who took a hammer and broke her own arm once. I was stunned that anyone could even think of that, but I did try it once. Fortunately (I suppose), I am such a fat freaking cow that all I managed to do was bruise up nicely (my friend is a skinny little thing). But I am feeling up to trying again. I don't know how to describe it, though I'm trying. I guess the word is "violent." I would never dream of attacking anybody else, but I am such a f-up, who gives a crap about me? I certainly don't.

It's not true that I wouldn't be posting if I really wanted to do this, BTW. Writing is my life and my primary form of expression. I am writing it out because I want a witness to my feelings, one that I can look back at later and remember. I wish I knew another way to take the edge off the intensity, but I deserve to hurt. I really thought I had a better handle on it than this, but when it comes down to it, the old belief system is still there.

Sorry for ranting; thanks for reading, if you were brave enough to get this far.

CB