Thanks, sorry I really was unsure and I didn't want to assume anything either. I hate asking that.

I would have to ask who are these good people who are treating you poorly? Is it constant with them, what are they doing, and what do you think their intentions are?

I have been treated quite badly by quite a few people, including both my parents. These people did not have good intentions, at least often.

Then there are other people like my bf, and he is a good person, however sometimes he does or says something that hurts me, tho his intentions are not to hurt me, and it is not constant. I am sure I hurt others sometimes as well, no matter how hard I try not to and have no intentions of hurting anyone.. it can still happen.

My mom is a good example. She will often intentionally try to cause pain for my sisters and I, or her husband, co-workers, anyone she has contact with. Normally I would just put great distance between her and I. I did that with my father, but my mom is a bit different story. What I can do with my mom is find ways within myself to not let her hurt me, I might not be able to change her, but I really can change what I do with what she hands out. I can change my end.. and no it isn't really easy. It's rather exhausting, but I am getting there.

"I do not dislike myself either. But I experience unwarranted, unfounded, unreasonable guilt and shame. And I wrongly blame myself for the fact
that "I just don't fit in". I don't see that as "not liking myself".

This sticks out to me tho, the unwarranted, unfounded, unreasonable guilt and shame. It's way ok not to fit in.. maybe the world would be better if less of us "fit in" but the feelings attached to it, tho you might think doesn't equate "not liking myself", those feeling don't support liking yourself either. Sounds like self abuse a bit.. like emotionally abusing your self.

I made a pact with myself after I fled my abusive marriage, and it was this "I will not compromise my happiness for others" at the time I didn't know how much I was going to need that. And that compromise is not limited just to not letting people abuse me, but not to compromise it by clinging to old wounds, not forgiving, holding onto hate or anger.. all the things that would compromise my happiness.

I think most people do want to be good people, I think for the most part they don't want to hurt others. Sometimes it can seem like they are all bad, I wonder if it is because these people tend to cling together.. if you end up in their circle it really would seem like everyone is like that. Not just a bad seed but a bad garden.

Oh boy, sorry that is so long winded and a little here and there. I hope that might help some.. I really hope that you both can find peace, and will be able to enjoy other homo sapiens in life. Maybe if we come across people who do not seem to be understanding or have compassion we can lend some to them and hopefully little by little it will make a difference.

I have not been to Colorado, but I live in the mountains in Canada.. I cannot help but feel the earth is hugging me.. they do seem to have healing properties. I just looked up some pictures of Colorado... Indigo Wow.. what a beautiful place. I hope you will really get to enjoy it.