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Originally Posted by delicatedoll
Here are some common things I experience:
- I constantly feel like I have to *monitor* where I'm looking.. the thought process in my head kind of goes "uh oh.. am I glancing too much in that direction? What if someone over there thinks I'm staring at them?" I don't seem to know what type of looking is appropriate :S
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This is very common with me, in certain situations where I am forced to sit, stand or wait for something longer than normal with others around I am constantly wondering where to look and whether i'm looking at someone too long ,then I look away and think that I must not stare out the window people will think i'm weird since there's nothing there... and a host of other thoughts I will ruminate about.
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- I'm scared that sometimes the things I blurt out are inappropriate and I feel like I can sense people's disapproval by their body language/exchanging glances with others/etc.
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I am always worried about saying the wrong things suddenly and embarrassing myself. I feel like sometimes the wrong things come flying out of my mouth and I'm, like you say disapproved of by people. It has happened where i've said things like that and it's like what comes out of my mouth doesn't fit in with the conversation or the situation which exacerbates my worried thinking.
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- When around kids, I don't know if I should give them attention when they come up to me and how nice I should be to them. I am dating a man with a kid and when we're around other parents and kids it seems like they don't acknowledge the kids as much as I feel compelled to. :S Then I think "what if they think it's weird that I talk and interact with the kids too?"
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With kids I always worry both that I'm either not supposed to interact or that I'm going to be found as rude if I don't. It's a catch 22. When I do smile or say something to them it's very awkward in the moments following, I feel like I'm being looked at weird.
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- Wonder if what I talk about/bring up is weird or boring to other people. I constantly get jealous of my boyfriend having in depth conversations with my friends and then feel as though he doesn't think my conversations are as important or valuable as theirs.
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This one is a hard one to not generalize because most people have this problem from time to time. It may be that it's just exaggerated in you, and I feel that way too. Most times I don't start conversations at all for fear of this.
In addition, these things don't necessarily happen to me with people that are strangers, just more so. I can feel the same worries and awkwardness around people i know, given the right circumstances. Someone I know and talk to normally could find themselves looking at me wondering why I have become mute and/or am acting nervous around them. I am not sure what brings it on in those situations.
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This is just a few examples but I just wanted to give an example of some of the things I experience. It doesn't affect my ability to go out - I can still go out in public and go to social events, but as I'm there I usually have these worries in my head throughout the entire event. And then, my thoughts will linger on the event and what I may have done or said wrong for days after!
Can someone tell me what is wrong with me? I feel like someone who just crawled out from under a rock sometimes..
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It affects my social life. I do go out and get things done when necessary. I do go and I will speak up and get through situations where I know what is expected of me, like buying some food at a restaurant, shopping in a store, and even if I work a customer service role somewhere. I know exactly what i'm supposed to do but then, I switch to the awkward person as soon as I step out from behind the counter, even to people I normally might deal with safely behind the counter!
I dont' think it's as simple as self esteem, this isn't just about how confident you are in yourself but it's more than that, it's an understanding of social norms and being able to interpret social cues in an accurate manner. I definitely think that it's something you should look into and talk to a T or dr about if it affects your life in an intrusive way.
You are not alone in this and it is indeed a very real challenge. I read your post and was like OMG that's exactly like me!
Hope this helps *hugs*