Yup - I realized over the summer that I dissociate when having sex. I also dissociate when just being intimate without sex. I was assaulted 20 years ago, when I was in high school (but not raped). I've also never (even before being assaulted) been comfortable with being touched by others.

It does bother me, because I realized that it puts a huge distance between me and a partner, and that dissociating does not allow me to experience positive aspects of being touched. I've talked about it a little with my T, and we need to get back to the topic, but I've had other, more pressing things to talk about lately. I'm not currently in any kind of relationship, so it doesn't feel like something urgent for me to work on, but still something I recognize that I need to talk about and work on.

I've thought about what it might be like to not dissociate, and it honestly frightens me. I think I'd have to start out slow...be present while kissing and then stop the interaction or let myself dissociate. Then, try to build up to being present for more and more interaction. This sounds totally silly, but I think what might help me is to actually talk through the experience in my head - what we're doing, how I'm feeling, etc. Like....I dunno...mindful sex

My T is very in to mindfulness, and it has been helpful for me in dealing with other things, so it might be helpful for me in dealing with this as well. T also has me remind myself that I'm not trapped, that I can stop things or leave at any time, whenever I start to check out because I'm panicking and feeling trapped (for whatever reason). I think, if I were in a relationship with someone I really trusted, having them verbally remind me that I'm not trapped and they will stop if asked would be helpful in keeping me present. Even just having someone talk to me while being touched is helpful in staying present.