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I saw my therapist this afternoon. I was SOOOOO disconnected, but I wanted so badly to be connected.
He said a lot of things, but I couldn't feel what he said, so it didn't have as much impact.
He said that he has to be perfectly attuned with me to get me to interact, because if he asks me a question that is just out of the field of attunement, that I get a mental block. This was really hard to hear because we weren't attuned.
It is painful, so painful, to not be able to connect. Disconnecting makes me not feel safe, and like no one cares because I can't feel the words my T said. Disconnecting takes away my ability to be empathic, and it makes things not seem real or genuine.
A few weeks ago, when I felt radiating shame, I kept asking him if it was time to leave. Today, I didn't want to go because I didn't feel connected. I had to go. I didn't choose this craziness, but I have to suffer the consequences of being a loser. I can't be me much longer. I can't hold. I can't stand. I no longer want to.
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"I became insane, with long intervals of horrible sanity." Edgar Allan Poe
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