So the theme in my therapy for the past few months has been that "I matter". During the events of the first half of the year in therapy (and certainly in my childhood and probably most of my adulthood) I've been careful to make myself as small as possible, to be invisible, to not get in the way, to make things easier for other people. T says he wants to help me find my voice, and to get bigger.

There is something about T's office that is really bothering me. A LOT. It's genuinely triggering. I've tried to just work through it, ignore it, etc...but finally, I said something. He acted like he was so glad I brought it up, and there was a very tearful, healing session.

Here's where I'm confused. This triggering item really just appears to be something that is being stored in a certain area. It's not something on display, something hanging on the wall, something sitting on a table...it's just tucked away, but in a place where it's visible to me.

SO. I decided to take a chance and ask him if there was any way he could move it. Not get rid of it, not change anything big, just move it to a different location in his office so I wouldn't have to see it all the time. It brings up a lot of hard, sad stuff for me related to T and therapy and this year, and it's hard for me to do the work I need to do when I'm constantly triggered by that. Every time I see it, it's like a little reminder that I'm not important, or good enough, a little reminder that I don't matter.

And T WILL NOT MOVE IT. He won't even give me a reason. I told him that if he would say "I can't tell you why because of confidentiality, but there is a reason that needs to stay there" I would accept it and keep trying to move through it. But instead, it feels like more of a power struggle. Or a combination of a power struggle and "nightsky will just have to learn to deal with this, dammit". It doesn't feel fair.

I have never asked him to shift anything in his office, EVER. If he would have just given me this one thing, it would have been huge. I am literally surrounded by triggering things every time I'm in there (and he knows it and understands why they are triggering), and it would have given me this one safe spot. It's just storing something in a slightly different spot in the same room. That's all.

I hate that he admitted that it's partly a power struggle. AND I hate that he said that it's partly about me having to learn to deal with it. I have almost never asked someone to change something that is hurtful to me, and the few times I have, NOTHING CHANGED. THIS IS JUST LIKE THAT. Just this one time, maybe it would have felt like I DID matter, and like he's not just feeding me a load of crap.

He kept asking "why are you fighting this so hard? why won't you accept that you matter?". OMG. If I could just magically *accept* everything, i wouldn't need therapy.

I'm creeped out because it feels like his words are saying one thing (your feelings matter, you matter, you are important, we will help you find your voice) and his actions are saying another.

And like I said, if there were ANY kind of explanation, even "I cant' tell you why but it needs to stay there", I would accept it. But this just feels like "shut up, nightsky, and deal with it".

I would really love anyone's thoughts on this. It's super painful.


ETA: I don't even know if it would help if he would change his mind and move it at this point. What I needed was to be heard and seen and cared for. I needed him to SHOW ME that I can use my voice and that my feelings matter. He showed me the opposite. At least that's what it feels like.