Quote:
Originally Posted by Antimatter
I saw my therapist this afternoon. I was SOOOOO disconnected, but I wanted so badly to be connected.
He said a lot of things, but I couldn't feel what he said, so it didn't have as much impact.
He said that he has to be perfectly attuned with me to get me to interact, because if he asks me a question that is just out of the field of attunement, that I get a mental block. This was really hard to hear because we weren't attuned.
It is painful, so painful, to not be able to connect. Disconnecting makes me not feel safe, and like no one cares because I can't feel the words my T said. Disconnecting takes away my ability to be empathic, and it makes things not seem real or genuine.
A few weeks ago, when I felt radiating shame, I kept asking him if it was time to leave. Today, I didn't want to go because I didn't feel connected. I had to go. I didn't choose this craziness, but I have to suffer the consequences of being a loser. I can't be me much longer. I can't hold. I can't stand. I no longer want to.
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Those wasted sessions, I always say. They are always based on disconnect. at least in my experience.
I usually have something just eating away at me even if I'm not cognizant of it at the time. I always ask myself if I am deliberately trying to conceal my honesty, which is fuel for a disconnect. Even if I don't want to share that honesty, I find that being honest about something anything, will promote connection.
although it's rare for me to engage that way because of trust issues.
Btw, the only way you'll ever be a loser, is if you try beat me in race to get the last slice of pizza. If you try, you're going down my friend. :-)
I like you and you're just gonna have to deal with that.