I'm sorry you're still struggling with so much. I would find that situation really difficult too. Not really knowing why it wasn't okay to adjust something slightly to make everything safer.

I really relate to the feeling of words and actions not matching up too. I've been going through a lot of that in my therapy lately. My T has always told me that I matter, am important, and so on. Yet when I ask for help, I've been forgotten. Important details of my life have been forgotten. There were so many other worse things than that. Big painful stuff. So not quite for the same reasons as you, but I'm finding it hard not to question the words I've always been told by T. It's like..I don't matter after all.

Sorry I don't have anything really supportive or helpful to add. I just relate to some of what you're feeling. I know how much I want to hold onto this particular therapy relationship myself, because it's been so healing. Because I love her. Because surely if we can work through it, things will be okay. If we can get through it, survive it, maybe I'll be stronger, better? But it feels so unfair to me that after so much hard work from you, you're still having to deal with so much. Even though I wasn't posting much when you were...you matter to me. Your posts have always been so helpful and amazing. I wish T could be clearer about what is happening so you could be sure that you matter to him too. So you could know that he hears you, sees you, and cares.