Its gone...once again I was fooled...I believed some kind of miracle had happened in my life and I would this time be okay...but its gone...last night I sat here thinking and suddenly I ...I lost it...the panic and anxiety and selfloathing returned all at the same time...like a waterfall it came gushing down on me and I hated myself for being happy these last few days...I knew it would come though...somewhere inside I knew it was a lie...nothing is that easy or that instant but I wanted to believe I had made a step up but damn it I am back at the bottom and the fall isnt easy because now I feel even worse for having been happy and lieing to myself...have you ever been so mad at yourself for doing something you know you shouldnt...I have no greater hatred than I do for myself which I know is stupid because I am such a good person...yeah right...compared to the problems that you guys have mine are so minor...and yet again I waste space by writing this when just a few threads up there is a woman who deserves to be happy and healthy and live normally but she is racked with so many problems...my admiration for each of you and the fights you endure is overwhelming to me...and just a post away swome one is needing help with a life of dispair...and here I sit crying about my garbage I am garbage it is ingrained in my brasin it wont shange it weill never change...and so will I go on...Im close to the end anyway so why wait why waste peoples time anymore why bother to wake up what good do I do what good am i....even my kids know I am nothing everyone knows it and i know it so what is thew point I have nothing because I am nothing so why come here and write this nothing garbeage i dont know i havent a clue maybe just to get attention ...yeah that would be it because i want attention yeah i want it and i need it so what so what soa waht so what sowaht so what...hteres nothing wrong i juasy want attention funny this I want i want to be someone else i want be somewhere else