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Syra · Dec 12, 2012, 10:21 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Anne2.0

What's wrong with an honest show of anger, as long as it isn't abusive? Raising one's voice and having a different tone doesn't really mean yelling.

I understand, I think, that she jumped in before you finished your sentence. Can you look back at that email, perhaps in context of all the other emails you've sent her, and see how she could be on edge about it?

Also, starting out the answer to any question, "I don't care?" It's not a great way to talk to another person and I could see how someone could sort of lose their cool in response to it.

I do think it would be useful to you to try to see how what you said could have honestly provoked her to feel angry. And I'm just not one who believes that showing anger, as long as it's not scary or abusive, is wrong. In fact, I think it's healthy and normal. It's how you show that anger that matters.

Most of us could stand to understand better our impact on other people. In your shoes, I'd be asking my T, what is it that I said or did specifically that evoked/provoked you being angry?

Hmm I have kind of a different take on anger. I think anger is risky, even if not loud and powerful - and almost always a secondary emotion. I try to figure out what the primary emotion is (hurt, frustration, fear) and share that. My epxerience is that if I think about it, I can almost always think of an emotion behind the anger, and that primary emotion is not so threatening to share with another as anger is.

Another way I've heard of to look at it that "Anger is a tragic expression of unmet need" (Marshall Rosenberg) So figuring out what I need is helpful and then addressing that sometimes helps me.

And another friend says she realizes she gets angry when she doesn't have control and has an unmet need. so she tries to figure out her need, and see what kind of control she can have.

Anger is generally not seen as vulnerable, and therefore more likely to result in defensiveness.

I'm not saying I never get angry. when I recognize I'm angry (and sometimes I don't recognize it until I, and the othr person, hears it) I try to as quickly as possible figure out my feelings and needs and share that.