I really *do* get that I get to ask and people get to say no. In fact, when I first asked, I thought I was completely prepared for a "no".

It was when it felt like a power struggle that things started to really feel bad. Like T was saying "we are going to help empower you" and then fighting against it at the same time.

I hate therapy sometimes. He's going to leave me a phone message in the morning. Sometimes he "gets it" a little later, so maybe that will help. Just a "I would if I could because I know you would feel safer, but for reasons I can't tell you, I just can't". That's all. That would help.

I'm going to bed. Sometimes sleep is a "reset" button. I hope it works.

Thanks for your help you guys. I really REALLY needed to work through this with some friends.