Quote:
Originally Posted by roseleigh7
I've been looking at pictures of self injury on the internet and am very motivated to self harm. I also think this is sick and somewhat awful. I normally have this forum blocked because it's so triggery and yet here I am looking up pictures.
No hope.
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The fact that you look at pictures of people who have self harmed doesn't surprise me. Darkness attracts darkness. SI can be hard to resist once you start it.
I do the same thing in a way. For me, music is a very powerful trigger. Unfortunately a bad trigger. Most of the time, I don't turn on the radio in the car because once i do, it snowballs into feelings of wanting to run my car off the road into a telephone pole. Some days though, even though I know what will happen, I can't stop myself.
Yes, purposely looking for things that trigger cutting episodes is sick, but not quite the way I think you mean it. Its a sign that you are hurting and temporarily losing control. Emotional illness is no different than a physical illness. It just isn't as well understood. Because it is not understood, people don't want to involve themselves in it, and need an excuse for why they are turning away from someone in trouble. They don't want to think about the possibility that it could just as easily be them.
If you have anyone you feel close to, talking to them about your pain instead of looking at pictures might be a better solution. You don't need to tell them you are cutting. Remember, cutting is only a symptom of a deeper problem. Realizing what that underlying problem is can give you a direction in which to go. If you have buried the reason, it may not be easy to find it.
Our society depicts people with emotional and psychiatric problems in a very poor light. Television makes them into freaks, or dangerous. The truth is, there are thousands of people that self harm and would never admit that they do. Coming to the forum is a good thing. Here, you are accepted instead of judged, and surrounded by people doing the same thing.
Please don't give up on yourself. The path you are on is a difficult one, but there are ways of getting off that path. If you can get yourself to accept counselling, you may be able to find the source of your pain and start to work towards healing. No one deserves to be so self loathing that they torture themselves.
Sam2