I've done this so many times and I really hate myself for it, and I know I'll probably feel completely different by morning, but I'm having a really, really bad night. I hate nights.

I want to feel as though someone in my household understands, I want to feel in control and that I don't have to depend on others to regulate my emotions, I want to feel as though I have a self respect that is genuine and won't be present one minute and totally gone the next, and I want to stop feeling so lonely and worthless and just not worth anything. A stranger in a strange land so far from home. I want to stop allowing old feelings of abandonment and betrayal take over and for flashbacks of old wrongdoings rule the day.

When I get this way, I become useless at home. I isolate myself from others. I don't know why. It just seems like the thing to do. And then my husband states "if you keep isolating yourself from others and wanting to be alone, one of these days, you're going to discover that's it's come true." Like that statement is going to help my self-esteem and feelings of abandonment and being alone. Self-fullfiling prophesy indeed.

I know it's a momentary feeling, I know it will pass, it always does, but when it hits, it's completely all-consuming, so self-damming, and it just feels like it will never go away....and as hard as I try, it always returns. I give others advice and I don't think I'm that bad at it and the advice is genuine and from the heart, but way too often, I don't feel as though I can help myself.....