Thank you, H.B. Your opinion is appreciated.
You make it sound so easy !
Where at 52 with no friends at all to socialise with, or otherwise, do I find a decent man ? I suppose nowadays it's online dating, that's the way to meet people.

Are you truly saying to end this now and not see if anything has changed in him in the year since we were last together ?
Give up hope ?
Shouldn't I give him the chance to tell me if he wants a future ?
It would be hard to walk away, but I always say, a bad relationship is not better than no relationship at all. Why settle for less than what makes us happy ?

Of course you're right about my depression, I need help.
I look dreadful, my long hair needs colouring, I've put on weight, I'm a mess.
I've agreed to see him tomorrow, getting showered, dressed and looking half way decent will take me all day.
I've promised him I won't let him down as I have done so many times in the past months.

After that, I need the strength to get help.

You know I wonder why God has abandoned me so in this pit of dep.
Why after my husbands suicide could I not find happiness again ? I feel lost, friendless and incredibly lonely.
My grown up kids are disgusted at me and how I live, my house is a filthy pit, I've not lifted a dishcloth in a year ! I disgust myself, alas not enough or I'd do something about it. I do absolutely nothing ! Literally !

I used to be a homemaker, with pride and self esteem. Why has life turned out like this ?
Now I'm way off thread here in my self pity soup, but thinking about my life, I've been in various degrees of dep. for the last 5 years. I wasn't this low, even when my husband died. I don't suffer with the various illness' many on here list, so should be grateful, and I am, but this dep. has truly taken my spirit.

I wonder why God doesn't hear my prayers.

I'm sorry, I went way off topic here in my self pity, but it's all true, and not exagerated for effect.

Thank you for listening.