Pp

Live,
I like you, too, so I can deal with that. :-)

I was telling him the truth, about how I felt about him not being able to fit me in, and I felt so ashamed of that because it is so irrational, it's like I feel people should drop what they are doing to help me when I am terrified, and I hate myself for being so selfish. I say that I felt ashamed because of this, but I was so disconnected, I know it was there but I didn't feel it. Maybe that is why I disconnect, because I am ashamed of wanting him to be there for me, which is childish, and selfish, and that I get angry because I am afraid and I feel like people irl don't fully get it, that they don't care. I hate myself for how I feel and what I want because.it doesn't match with the adult part of me.

I feel like I told him all of this, that he understood how I am in terror everyday of my life out in the real world, and he let me walk ot of his office back into the jungle. I hate myself for feeling this.way because it is childish.
He told me that he felt like we had to be fully attuned or I would get a mental block, which I think is true, but childish. I hate myself for being so childishly sensitive. I hate myself for dissociating when anyone says anything that is hard for me to hear, I feel like a failure at being a human being. I feel tortured by the adult part of me that knows this is all ****ed up.
I feel tortured going to work every day, screwing simple things up that a child could do, and having people get at my incompetence. I am angry because Ialways have to hide how I feel irl, I have.to hide.my wants and needs about needing a trusted authority figure to help me safe and thus stable. I am angry when the authority figure, my T, tells me he knows how.hard it is and then lets me leave knowing I have to go out irl and wear the mask. I hate that I feel and think this way. I am angry that I have to go to work and risk destabilizing because I feel like there is a huge abyss in at my core self. I am not falling into the abyss, I am the abyss. Others have the power to destroy me with words, with rejection, with anger, and at this point I have no way of protecting myself except by abandoning myself like I did in therapy. I don't know how to fix this alone, but I am on the verge of a mental breakdown, I can't do this much longer, not physically or mentally. No one believes me irl, or maybe they don't care enough, but why should they when I hate myself because I can't figure this out on my own. This is my truth at the moment, and I have lost hope.