I have 'footage', which is when I have a running image of something that happened, of my T telling me that he knows that I am afraid he is going to terminate me, but that He wants to work with me, that he hopes that I stay, and he said, I think, that he wanted me to remember that intellectually. I do, and I think what he said one hundred percent was how he feels and that he wanted me to know this.

So, another realization came from this. I was dissociated and I couldn't feel anything he said. When he told me at the beginning that we had to be attuned or my mind shut down, it felt like an attack on who I am, like his next words were goingto be I am childish.
I was hypervigilant going in, and that was all it took.

I want to be clear, my T, I know for a fact was trying to help me, he was saying it as easily as he could, but I couldn't control my reaction of distancing myself.

Also, I notice that since I didn't feel what he said, that my mind fills in the feeling, and I cant attach any good feelingz to anything he said, the one where he said he wants to work with me comes the closest. My brain fills the words with meaning that makes it hard for me to trust him, but I do. I am removed and am not running.with the anti trust feelings that are there. I wish I could feel one positive thing from session, but I cant. There is no connection whatsoevdr, so if I exlerience fear during this dizconnect, that is when I will feel needy and want to contact him.