I told my pdoc what happened on Sunday in detail. And he asks me why I felt I had to 'push myself to the edge'.

The niggling, uncomfortable question that I didn't have a ready answer to. The man doesn't feel I'm an iminent threat to myself. He didn't call out the dogs. He sent me home.

"Pushing myself to the edge." That's what it was, it didn't feel like it at the time. I can't explain why.

I do know this. I had three other methods to suicide by on that riverbank and I didn't take them. Instead, I turned around and I went home.

I pushed myself to the edge and I'm disgusted with myself that I didn't fall off.

I'm sorry if I put you all thru hell. I will try not to hate myself for this too.