Today is one of those days that I know is going to come around again and again.
Today the reality of losing my family (separated from wife since Aug 1, one daughter that is with her) because of my poor choices, selfishness, depression, anxiety, lack of communication, porn addiction...is heavy on my heart and soul since I caused all this hell.
At least I can feel my heart and soul again. When we separated I coukdn't even feel anything, I was so lost in my own web of lies and deceit! My ex told me that I went 11 days without contacting my daughter at all...that shattered my heart. I don't even remember that. I don't recall it at all.
When I left (yes, it was I who left because I thought she wanted rid of me and I was angry at her because she wanted us to separate temporarily to stop the fighting in front of our daughter and I took it upon my STUPID SELF to assume once I was gone she would never let me back) I was very angry and feel like I was someone else, totally unreachable, and never gave thought that I could be where I am today.
Today, I have a good P and T(who I get to see tomorrow!) and read and learn about my depression almost every day.
But today I am so very lonely without my family and I want to be home with them instead of in this frickin apartment. I have only myself to blame, and that of course just makes it all the more depressing...I did this to us!
If I had just got help sooner, just reached out instead of hiding inward, if if if! Ahhhhh!
So I called up my ex (we are friends now because our daughter comes first) and told her how I was feeling and she was kind and listened, and we chatted a bit. She is the best mom and none NONE none of this is her fault...and I ripped out her heart...oh my God! I destroyed her family too! Now she will be divorced single mom, something she feared because her own parents are divorced...and my own actions and lack of action caused all this destruction.
And my baby girl...she is nearly 7...she knew her daddy was not well in his head...she misses her daddy and my heart breaks all over again every day we are apart! She wants to know why mommy and daddy can't get along and be together. How could I have let this happen...how could I have hurt this innocent child?!?
For the love of God why didn't I get help sooner?!?
Well this post is long enough now so I will conclude. Hope I didn't ramble too much. Thanks for reading.