Antimatter I’m relatively new here so not sure what your background is, so I’m only going on what you’ve described in these posts, hope I’m not missing something or putting big feet where my mouth is.

I can feel so much fear in the way you are describing what’s been happening, and I suppose dissociation is in great part an automatic response to intense fear. Not too sure about that, as my usual response to intense fear is paranoia, not really the same but in some respects similar because I too know that it’s ME and not necessarily external reality. But it still seems real all the same and just knowing it intellectually doesn’t overcome the fear one little bit. Well ok, it does, one little bit .

I am so sorry you have to live with this kind of persistent debilitating malignant fear all the time. I recognize it in me too, your post was very eloquent and put into words very poignantly what it’s like to have to live like this

I think you’re being very courageous and true to yourself by owning your feelings, especially the anger. From my experience, anger is an antidote to fear and so can be a life (or mind) saver. I know, because I’m angry all the time and relate very much to the things you’re saying make you feel angry.

Again this could be me talking here . You have this obligation/should/demand that you’re supposed to work everything out for yourself by yourself? No dependency, no neediness, no shirking of ‘responsibility’? Just think about it long enough and hard enough and everything will be resolved. It’s a lie, but it’s so hard to prove it as a lie.

I’m not sure that anything I’m saying here is very helpful, but I really wanted to respond to you so hope this makes some sort of sense. Would like to send you some cyber hugs of support, I think you are suffering awfully and wish there were some way of reaching you to make things just a little better.



Torn