Well, I found some closure on something that bugged me but it triggered something. I had a crush that was mutual and really wanted to explore but ended up sleeping with a mutual friend and was just told he won't be #2 after his friends. Not only was the opportunity lost but he found someone else in the mean time. The other one doesn't want anything more from me and here comes the holidays where I have no one because of a stupid, impulsive night with the wrong one. It feels like an icycle stabbing into my chest and my mood has totally plummeted. Logic says there are other fish in the sea but that doesn't help that I ruined something I wanted. It's that fricken pendulum again, swinging from one side to the other and things get destroyed every time it swings! It's like something good will come along and, if I'm in the right state of mind, it will be a great experience. Then a swing happens and next thing I know I've ruined what I cherished just months ago. I really don't want to be on meds again just because of some stupid crush but the depression is creeping back and this might trigger it to be full blown. I hate this =(