Yes Biiv... I feel exactly the same way... not being sure if what I am feeling is real or just part of the " persona" I have developed over the years....and often not even feeling like i had a right ot have ANY feelings...

I always second guess myself.. always question if what I am feeling is real and if its not then what is.... I feel confused alot of the time and nobody who knows me has a clue that I am this way inside.I don't always trust my own thoughts and feelings.

Both of us can get out of this much we have ended up in.. together we can do it.. hand in hand.. sorting out the real from the unreal...getting in touch with the REAL person we are inside... it might take time.. but we wil do it..hang in there..

I have surrounded myself with people who have narsissistic personalities too. those who feel the rest of the human race was put here for their purpose somehow and as such, I have always been the one to give.. give.. give.. give... its always been about THEM.. never has anyone of my friends EVER called me to ask how i am doing.. what do i need... can they help me...

Why?Partly because I have taught them that I am the strong one. I am the one that doesn't need anything..that I have nothing else to do in this life but be there to help each one of them deal with thatever crisis or pain they may be going through... I taught them i don't need....

And partly because I couldn't function unless i was focusing on someone elses problems...helping others.. I always had a need to be the rescuer.. so in a sense, I used them to satisfy my own need to feel important. to feel i am making a difference somehow.And to avoid my own feelings too.

I am reaching a point in my healing where this is becoming less acceptable to me and i find myself feeling resentment over it sometimes. Frustration at myself because I have defined my relationships this way and now i feel trapped in them.. a and resentment at them for no even thinking that maybe I might need a friend now and then too. that it gets to be tiring.. being the friend all the time.. and not having a friend...

When you go through life believing your feelings don't matter,for whatever reason.. it is very difficult to allow ourselves the luxury of helping ourselves...it is so much easier to help other people. they deserve it.we tell ourselves we don't deserve it.. we don't matter..

for me is is part of the internal dialogue I have had with myself all my life..that I wasn't worthy. that I didn't count.. that I didn't deserve to have rights or feelings..

We can find a way to stop doing this to ourselves.. I know we can.. i am already beginning to do better.. just by recognising i have not bee in healthy, equal relationships... I think thats a start. And also, being able to admit that we aren't always as in control as we want it to look.. that is a major step in the right direction too..