I'm 14, female, and bipolar. Background. :P Anyways-

I feel like my whole life is a fight against itself. I'm entirely made out of opposites, with no common ground to stand on. For instance:
~I hate being lonely, but I feel awkward and exposed and stupid when I'm around other people.
~I try to simplify my life by making systems to keep me on track, but always make them so complicated that it's counterproductive.
~I hate know-it-alls, but I'm probably the biggest one in the school.
~I want someone to care about me, but I don't, because if someone cares about you then they'll try to protect you, even from yourself.
~The depressed part of me wants to give up and slide back into the quiet madness, but the manic, hyper-focused, logical, planning side knows that now that I'm in high school, that would ruin the rest of my life.

Those are stupid examples. Oh well. But it just feels like everything inside me is trying to rip me into pieces, because they can't co-exist peacefully. I even took this personality test thing during a class and it told me the same thing: I'm logical, but like to think abstractly. I'm a "feeling" person, but I am uncompromising and don't care who gets hurt if something needs to be done.

I know it's probably just a part of having Bipolar, but I hate it. It's like, I can't think straight because I'm either focusing on all the details or my brain's clouded with a depressive fog. Everything's just contradicting itself over and over until it's all just muddled mess.

What can I do? Every time I try to think about it, or write about it, or deal with it in any way, it never comes out right. Even this post- it doesn't convey the sense of separateness, of "man vs. himself conflict", of insanity that I feel every day. Do any of you ever feel like this? What do you do to find something solid and unchanging to stand upon?