Lady.....worthalot......

When I was reading through your thread.....I had lots of thoughts about it......& in lots of agreement with what you have been told here.

One comment I want to start off making is about:
Most of the time I have experienced when I ask God for something that isn't right for me & I feel my prayer isn't being answered, it's because it is being answered with the answer "no.....this person (or thing)isn't good for you or right for you". God knows the situation or the person we are wanting to be involved with better than we do & he knows if something would be really a bad thing for us......& sometimes that "NO" answer is much better than if the answer were to be YES.....we just don't understand that at the time.

Another thought was about your comment:
I know when my mother died....it wasn't suicide, but it was cancer that she stupidly ignored.....& yes, she ignored it sure it was a cyst & nothing more.....& it was a very slow growing cancer that her death could have been avoided because it was obvious from almost the very start but she blew it off for years.....then because of her unwise choices that she made, I ended up going through a horrible trauma with the home care person who manipulated her way into caring for my mother the last month of her life until I finally got her OUT OF THE HOUSE.....I'm still dealing with the anger that I felt toward my mother for handling her life the way she did.......PTSD....yes, depression increased.....not so much.....but anger for what she did....yes. I never did go through the grief process because of all the other issues I was dealing with.....maybe your husband's death left you in a similar state....sometimes when we are in a state of shock.....we aren't able to even feel.

I'm going to ask another question that hasn't really been asked......but I have heard of people who live 2 completely different lives at the same time & since you have absolutely NO contact with anything that's going on in his life other than the fact that he text's you every day, calls, & sex with him is good when you were together before your depression for this whole last year......the question is....how do you know that he doesn't have someone else other than you?......or doesn't have another life going on that you don't have the possibility to know about because you never see him other than when he sees you?.......just a weird thought that hit me when reading about your situation.

Also, after being away from him for this year, how do you know that if he does a proposal that it's not going to be just like the last ones where he never follows through & isn't just doing that to make you feel ok about having sex with him again?

I was married & had a horrible marriage for 33 years......I can tell you about wasting time in a relationship......I never should have married this guy because the things that I am finally getting a divorce because of were the same things that I told my mother I didn't like about him right before the wedding was planned.....my mother talked me into going through with the wedding because he was a nice guy & he would grow up when life forced him to.......WRONG. We fought constantly for all those 33 years. After my mother died & I sold her house....I took the money & finally was able to escape the marriage. I had been a firmware design engineer for 15 years & escaped my bad marriage in my career until the aerospace industry collapsed in California around 1994.....major depression hit because I lost my career, but also because I felt completely trapped by then in a marriage that I couldn't get out of by that time because of financial issues. The smartest thing I ever did in my life was take MY MONEY & move 2100 miles away from him......that was 5 years ago.....now I am finally able to get the divorce.....& it's such a freeing feeling to not be stuck in a bad relationship/marriage, I have no desire to get involved with anyone ever again....(but that's just me).

You said that your depression started 5 years ago.....but your go nowhere relationship with him has been going on for 10 years....5 years of that kind of relationship where it was going nowhere & you were wanting it to.....would be enough to push anyone into depression especially if you hadn't really processed the grief from the death of your husband on top of that......it's no wonder you are feeling the way you are.

I can also guarantee you that at his age, he's not about to change....& probably doesn't WANT to.....my stbxh had no desire to change the things that were destroying our marriage......he is now 60 & I'm 59.......he was what he was before we got married in the first place & that was definitely what destroyed the marriage even before it started.....so for you to assume.....& it is a complete assumption on your part not based on any facts or reality at all.......that this guy will ever make good on the proposal that he ask.....it absolutely as far from REALITY as you can possibly get.

It's important for you to be the one in control of your relationships since you are the one who is wanting marriage & stability with another man. I have learned that one has to be completely aware of all aspects of the relationship & if it's not going in the direction that you want.....then GET OUT.....don't wait around for wishful thinking to make something happen because it won't especially with all the red flags this relationship has had for you over all these 10 years.....it will only land you waiting longer than the 10 years you have already wasted.

You say you don't want FWB.....but that's exactly what you have had for the last 10 years....that's what he wanted & you let him be in control.

JMO, but if you are hoping that he's going to magically make the relationship into what you want tomorrow night, you are going to be sadly dissappointed.

If his daughter is as spoiled as you said she was & has her daddy wrapped around her finger.....you can be glad that he didn't follow through on the proposal because you would have probably had a very miserable marriage that wouldn't have been what you dreamed for either.

I have found in my many years of life, that most things end up turning out for the good when I let God be in control.....but when I start forcing things to be MY WAY....that's usually when things end up getting really messed up.

I am sure that your life is worth more than wasting it on waiting for something that isn't good for you in the first place & something that is only your own wishful thinking because this guy doesn't wish to have any relationship with you other than the sex that you have been having together before this last year. YEP, he can get it for free.....who knows what he's really been doing to satisfy himself this last year????? You really don't know the truth or the reality of his life, other than what he says....& how can you tell that is the truth either????

Just some questions as food for thought before you get together with him Fri night....who knows, maybe before you get together you will realize that you don't want to waste any more time with him & you will be in control of your get together by telling him to "GET LOST" rather than allowing yourself to feel the horrible disappointment of him letting you know that he really doesn't want to.

Wishing you the strength to do what you know you really need to do tomorrow night so that you can stop living in your wishful thinking world & find a real person who really cares about you & also the strength to get the help with your Depression that you desperately need so that you can feel the self value that you have & then others will see it also & get your life turned around & in a positive direction.
& a lot of positive thoughts for your strength to get out of this mess & onto a better life where you can really get what you want from it.