Geez. I was all over the place today.

Couldn't get out of bed this morning. Stayed in bed for two hours after alarm went off. Of course, I have no where to go now that I've been fired. But I should be up working on trying to get more clients for my freelancing. But I stayed in bed too long.

Then I needed to pick up a refill of my Wellbutrin. I was going to take a shower. The last time I took a shower was Monday. It is now Thursday. I skipped the shower and went out into the world with my greasy hair pulled into a ponytail and I'm sure I smelled like *****.

90% of the drivers on the road pissed me off.

People in Walmart pissed me off.

Got home and still couldn't concentrate on my work.

I put a small Christmas tree up for the first time in about 10 years. I was feeling like, since this will be my son's last Christmas before he moves out, I should at least make an effort. Plugged in the tree, looked at it, and started yet another crying jag. Everything was coming up. My dad is dead and Christmas was always so important and spiritual when I was a kid, and he passed that on to my son. My family is so small. My life hasn't turned out the way I wanted. My son will leave me soon and I will be home alone all day without him popping in after work or me just knowing where he is and that he's safe.

Then my son's girlfriend arrived. He was at work. He gave her a key to our house several months ago without even asking me, so she just shows up. They're still planning to move out together soon.

I heard the key slide into the front door during my crying jag, so I tried to dry it up quickly. She came in and started talking to me (which is rare) so I'm sure she could tell I'd been crying.

Then she tells me some stuff that a mother just DOES NOT want to hear.

"My aunt agreed to co-sign for the apartment for us, but she told me if she co-signs she expects me to go on birth control immediately. But I don't want to because it made me get fat and mean."

W H A T ? ? ?

She just admitted to me that they've been having sex without birth control. I've seen condom wrappers, but we all know they aren't 100%.

That makes me nervous as hell.

They are definitely not mature enough to become parents. Plus I really don't think she's "the one."

And I'm way too young to be a grandmother.

That comment was just too much for me to handle at this point.

I left. Went over to my mom's empty house (less than a mile away) and watched "The Big Bang Theory." (We haven't had TV since September of 2011, so I watch a few shows online unless I'm anxious to see something when it comes on.)

Ended up staying there, lying on the couch, flipping around a gazillion cable channels for 2.5 hours. Fell asleep at one point, with bed pillows and blankets all warm and snuggly on the couch. Told myself I should wake up or, by the time I get home and go to bed, I'll have trouble going to sleep. But I'm so lazy that I didn't move off the couch.

Came home. From the driveway, I could see that all of the lights in the house were on. Even my empty bedroom. My son, his girlfriend, and the girlfriend's friend were in his room watching a movie, yet all of the rooms that were unoccupied had lights on.

They're not the ones paying the utility bill, so what do they care?

My friend from high school lives in Los Angeles and wants me to fly out and visit for a week or two. Would be great to catch up, and get an idea about whether I'd like to move out there.

Ever since I was a kid, I've dreamed of moving out there to do something in show biz. When I was in junior high, my career goal was to ove to Los Angeles as soon as I turned 18 and then get a job as a reporter at one of those teen gossip magazines so I could interview stars.

But I'm stuck in this state, in the middle of the United States. It would be expensive to move that far. It would be difficult to clear out this house, throw stuff away, figure out what absolutely must be kept, and get this house ready to sell. What a nightmare that would be.

I've got an elderly dog and a cat. Would be great fun driving them half-way across the country to move. Might be difficult to find a place to rent because of the animals and my bad credit.

I think I could simplify and figure out the essentials to keep and move with me. I've been able to simplify when I travel and I figure the only things I really, truly need are a few changes of clothes and my computer.

There isn't anything left for me in my hometown unless I want to be an underachiever and make maybe $9 per hour if I'm super lucky. There aren't any jobs available that would allow me to use my degree. The rare ones that come along once in a while that require my degree don't pay much more than minimum wage.

Those are reasons I'm trying to build my clientele and continue to work online. Another reason is the simple fact that I suck working for other people.

I just took an Ambien. Maybe it will kick in soon. I'm seething with rage right now and I've probably embarrassed my son with my screaming, since he has a guest. I don't give a rat's ***.

I haven't felt rage like this for quite a while.

Rage and restlessness. Is this all there is to my life? Crappy jobs and getting fired? Attempting to work on my own business to the point where I'm afraid of success so I stop? The inability to make decisions for myself because of how they might affect others?

What if making a big move and career change would be the thing that perks me up and makes me find my passion? What if being around all that creativity is the best thing for my own creativity?

Or do I sit back and wait for my mom, dog, and cat to die so they won't be reasons for me to stay here? (I'm just a terrible person.)