Hi. I'm truly sorry that you felt you had to attack yourself. That is an awful feeling. When people like us hurt, its easy to get sucked into the trap of thinking that if we could just fix this one thing, we would be happy again. That is truly what it is though. A trap. You don't have to have major problems to think that way either. When I was little, there were two things that I desperately wanted out of life. To be a Vet, and to have a horse. Well, against the odds, I acheived both those things. Instead of being happy, I live an isolated, lonely life with a laundry list of problems. You could have the most perfect tummy there is, but I doubt it would make you feel any better. I'm probably not telling you anything you don't already know.

Our phsycal bodies are, in most cases, just superficial. Its the mind and emotions that make us who we are. They are also the things that cause us the most pain. We've all seen the kid in highschool that isn't particularly attractive, but is still very popular. There is something inside them that allows people to look past their outer shell.

You do know that the abuse you suffered was not your fault, don't you? I don't know how often it happened, but even once can leave a scar that we are left to deal with. Its hard to come to terms with. Why didn't we resist, why didn't someone else step in and stop it? Over the years, it magnifies and has to come out somewhere. Don't let it define you and who you are. I can still remember my one incident with the babysitter over forty years ago. One time, one invasion and yet every detail is as clear today as it was when it happened. Its hard to leave behind, but it can be made bearable if you can understand what happened.

Your life is too precious to lose prematurely. Even if it seems like such a mess that you'll never find your way out again. You can though. It will take a lot of tears, tantrums and probably mistakes before you can find yourself again. By being here though, you've shown yourself that you want to find your way out. No one here will ever judge you either for what you have done, or what was done to you. Somewhere in there is a beautiful person with the ability to give and recieve. This is a hard time of year for those of us with inner pain. A reminder that we should be part of a family, a community and spending time safely with the people who mean most to us.
I believe you can do this. Even if you just take baby steps to get there, don't give up. You are a person with a diagnosis, not a diagnosis with a person. Don't define or limit yourself based on your pain. If you had a broken leg, you'd heal through time and physical therapy. Your injury is inside, and though emotional injury is more difficult to heal, you go about it the same way. Please don't give up on yourself.

Sam2