Hello LL, good to read your update. Not so good that you're still stuck in not being able to open up to T though .

Of course just one session with a consult T isn't likely to change much, I'm interested to know though whether having seen the consult T gave you any kind of different perspective on how you view current T (as in, were you able to make comparisons and go, for example, hm yeah consult T at this point would have asked me how I'm feeling...)

I'm sorry too that you continue to leave sessions feeling disconnected and disappointed - I can very much relate to that feeling of coming away thinking if only I'd managed to say this that and the other then the session would have gone differently. To be honest I suspect that wouldn't always happen though. If you're unable to say many of the things you wanted to talk about, there might well be other reasons for it that have nothing to do with your inability to get them out

Maybe you're just not clear yourself about you feel about therapy, your T, the consult session, and so you're not in a position to be ABLE to talk about it all. And if you're in rupture with your T then just letting yourself say whatever comes into your head is not really an option is it?

Gosh I ramble! All of that is by way of trying to say that maybe you just need to be kind to yourself and give yourself time to weather this rupture until you feel stronger and more certain about how you feel and what you want to do. If it's any consolation, all of this IS the therapy. Yeah I know, no comfort at all is it

Hugs to you LL, I hope things work out very soon

Torn