This may seem as an odd post but i thought maybe it could help some who suffer from self-mutilation as i do. I havnt harmed myself now since 2008. I also suffered from substance abuse years ago and while in treatment I was suggested to write a "dear addiction" letter to my drug of choice. I then took that advice on my addiction to hurting myself. I wrote my letter in Aug of 2007 and didnt cut for a long time. only once more in 2008 did i have a moment of waekness and almost cut my finger off and had to get stitches. after that i pulled my letter out and read it daily to remind myself that i could defeat it. my letter writes " Dear Addiction, I Have so many questions to ask of you. The main one being why do you stay with me? Haunt me? I could be fine and somehow you still manage to find me. Why is it that when im alone you make your grand appearance? Its everytime I think your under control, you find some way to slip underneath my skin.
You make me feel so alone, helpless, yet so alive. I dont know why you have chosen me, why i do the things I do. Why i act out this way. I could be ok and then look around to see one of your tools and just feel the urge and before realizing what happened Im watching blood run down my arm. Its like the feeling of being more alive yet so scared, confused, lost, misunderstood, then helpless.
Ive used you as a coping tool for so long and I really just wish I knew how to just say goodbye forever. I have realized that drugs and alcohol were going to kill me if I didnt stop using them but for some reason i have become unafraid of you. When you find me you have already overcome my mind and caused inflictions before Ive had the thought of how wrong what your doing to me is. How i will end up feeling afterward. How all you will leave me with is scars to remind me of my past, of you defeating me. And no matter how far i run from you, your always getting ahead of me. Then slowing me down, to where when im on top i fall back down to the bottom only to find you there too. And as i pick myself back up and think everythings ok, you wait until something goes wrong only to again overcome my mind to where i cant break free.
Why is your grip so strong? Why so controlling? Why wont you just leave me alone? I would be better off without you and i know this, but somehow your controllingness over powers my mind. How much more of this will i have to suffer through before you are finally satisfied? Until im dead? How much longer will you make me run? Until i cant walk?
Dear Addiction, you make me sick and I need help getting rid of you. I will one day break free of your control. You will no longer beat me to top to push me back down as I will have ways of destroying your curse uopn me. Fear not of you anymore as you will fear me. Just wait, your day will come before mine when you are gone and i am finally free!!!"