To be frank, I'm disappointed. In myself and in the universe. It's to the point where I'm questioning my faith in any dietic entity. This world just never fails to let me down. I give it my all and I am paid, in turn, with nothing at best and extruciating pain, as per the norm. I tried to be evil. My conscience keeps me from doing that. I tried being good and I am just too damned flawed. For a long time, this world has been black and white to me. There is good and evil, right and wrong, light and darkness. Lately, these lines are blurring so much it just doesn't sit well with me. I live and I hurt. I grow and I hurt more, each passing day. I hate and I hurt so much it kills me. I love and I hurt worse than I ever thought any human being was capable of hurting. I resolve to fight and I hurt in the face of constant opposition. I attempt to retire from this fruitless conflict and I hurt as recompense. My entire life revolves around pain. What God - be He as omniamorous as I was promised - would allow such suffering? Misery builds character and suffering is, indeed, good for the soul. I fully believe that. But just like with physical pain, you need time to heal - so the muscles, bones, and nerves can strengthen. Just beating the ever loving Hell out of my spirit, begging me to break, isn't making me grow anymore. I need time to heal. I need someone to heal me. I need a chance to sit down and just come to grips with all of this. I've seen too much in my life not to believe in God and to even consider something of the sort reasonable. After everything, I need to believe that there's a reason - that all of this horrible pain I've seen - in my life and in those of others - will mean something. I've seen enough to know it doesn't mean anything. Sometimes I think we're all already dead. Yeah, sometimes I think Hell is just another word for Planet Earth. There is no place in my imagination worse than this world of ours.