....another sleepy community shattered by the actions of a deranged man with a grudge. Please forgive my self-indulgent posting, it feels inappropriate and selfish given the circumstances, but I need to vent and I think this is the only place with people who would understand...

I can never understand my reaction to events like this. I remember very little of that day in Dunblane - don't know how much I saw, don't know how much I was affected by it at the time. I do know that until I was a teenager I had thought it was a one-off, and I was devastated when I found out that several similar events have happened. Ever since, whenever another one gets in the news I seem to alternate between trying to avoid it completely and obsessively trying to find out everything I can about it.

Today seems to be one of the obsessively-trying-to-find-out-everything days. The weird thing is that in the past I would have ended up making myself feel physically ill by reading about it, but today I just feel sort of numb, at least while I'm actually reading the reports. That's new, and in a weird way I suppose it's some sort of progress. But it's past midnight here, and I'm scared to log off my computer because I know it's going to stick in my mind, and thinking about it makes me feel worse than reading about it. I realise that probably doesn't make much sense, I don't understand it either.

Now that I'm not reading about it I'm having a chance to think, but I don't know if I'm upset, angry, scared or what. Wishing I wasn't alone right now, though.