I woke up with this thought and it does not leave my mind. I have checked for signs of mania/impulsivity - nope, none.

All day long I have been thinking about it and nothing else.

My son was sent away when he was 7. Julia stayed with me until 9, Maria, until 11. Right now I am spending money on T sessions during which I compose letters to my children - wish me luck. And I want to raise someone in a normal fashion, in the same household with me, without assistance from T. Pregnancy to college. I think I can.

Things that are needed:

-- a father who is good father material and has money to hire a nanny etc. - I think in Silicon Valley that has plenty of people with money in two years I can find eligibile candidates
-- me off meds and functioning well which should first be tried, like a "dry run". And I cannot be off all meds - I have to somehow sleep so whatever is less risky, a bit of Elavil or a bit of marijuana, will have to be continued, but off everything else.
--a contract for Robert (my family lawyer) to draw up that would assure me financial support as the child grows but without giving up custody rights - I already gave up custody rights and do not want to go that route again. With a good contract, marriage is optional.
-- me off IUD

My maternal cousin gave birth for the first time at almost 45. According to her, without fertility treatments. A single birth, consistent with the claim that it was without fertility treatments (fertility treatments-->multiples). I have always been super fertile - three children from instant conceptions plus one abortion despite the use of a spermicide. My mother was super fertile and had a really really hard time killing the function of her ovaries when the time came for that (she was over 50) due to breast cancer. Her ovaries just wanted to keep going. So with that sort of history/family history, I am thinking that I can still be capable of conception.

I have never had any trouble with pregnancy or postpartum -- no postpartum depression no nothing. I enjoyed everything.

I understand that would be signing up for 20 years of hard work, but I will end up with a meaningful r/s.

Thoughts? What about making this would be child an only child? I was an only child and hated that.

And to work for so long towards the perfect cocktail of drugs just to ditch it!