You don't have to be manicky to be irrational. and manias come in unexpected forms.

Because... you sound either kinda manic... or overcompensating heavily.

Hamster... the thing here is though...... by having a new kid, the problem with your existing kids will not go away. The pain of it... will not magically disappear. It will be still there and might even get more complicated... And to bring a person into this world... you should consider them too. Not "another try, maybe it will work this time".

You should focus on repairing the relationship with existing offsprings. It will be hard, but doesn't mean it's impossible.

And as for looking for a man... I hope that "rich enough to pay a nanny" is not the crucial criterion. Because there's plenty rich assholes around.

PLus, having kids after 30 is risk. After 40? Birth defects. Health risks. All that.