(((Rose))),

What I love about my small business is that I am constantly around different groups of people that are interacting with each other. And I really did observe and I truely saw so much. For me it was not that hard (once I had the right animal), because the ones I had to really please were the children. And I spent a lot of time on my presentation so that the children felt a kind of "magic" and "fantacy". And I always focused on each child and chatted with them too. They liked it because I was an adult that was actually "focused on them in a respectful personal way".

However, there were times when I would be around certain children that were not that receptive. And after a while I noticed that alot of that had to do with the parents, especially the mother.

I remember one event where my customers were very wealthy, they just had everything, and one woman had her child with her, and I could tell that she was all about "her" and had the clothes and shoes and appearance and "proper display". But, she looked at me and asked, "I have my child here without our Nanny, what do I do with "it"?

And these children were different, I am usually the "main attraction" and it was clear that these children were so used to having so many things to keep them occupied, that they didn't really interact with me like most children do. And the intimacy with their parents just was not really there either. And I just felt a strange coldness, not really what I am used to seeing.

We all like to "be appreciated" and "respected" as human beings Rose. However, there are lots of people that just don't know how to truely "appreciate" other people.
There are a lot of people who just need to have things and an appearence, to feel like they "fit in" somehow, but they just don't have a true "personal connection", and they simply do not know how to because no one taught them how. And they get very uncomfortable if they are put in a position where they are "asked to have this qualtiy"
about them too. And with your mother, well, she feels that she did "her" job by providing you with the "things that express a sign of affluence and privilage".

These people equate "love" with "providing things" and they truely do not know how to add "personal care" into their environment. They are not the kind of people that could ever truely understand something like PTSD or any real kind of "personal need".
These people spend their time aquiring "things" and what they "think is a must have to have "personal value".

You gave me a big clue when you talked about "not having the real deal in a pair of shoes you had on". Someone complimented your shoes, but you were completely embarassed with a sense of "low worth" because the shoes you had on did not fit into what is considered "a respectible possession of personal worth".

Now, that French man who made those "disrespectful comments"? What he was expressing was his feeling of also feeling he somehow didn't have those "designer shoes" either. In the depths of his mind, he can't seem to obtain some standard that he "thinks" he needs to have a sense of "worth". And it could have come from one simple comment made to him that he took to the "depths of his sense of self worth".

I noticed this about the so called "jet set" at horse shows too. I had a beautiful horse I was training and he looked the part, fit right into the group of very expensive horses that "had designer breeding to them". And I was walking along with him and one of these women had to walk by me and say, "nice little quarter horse cross".
And in this group of horses, they were all pure bread warmbloods and that was what was considered "the real deal" that the jet set just had to "present" and own.
And what she was doing was saying, "I can see you don't have the real deal, not sure but I am going to test you anyway" and "your horse is so beautiful I need to make sure it isn't as nice as what I have here".

What she was trying to imply was that I didn't belong with "the group" because I was not "rich" and "influencial" and she felt a need to "put me down". But the bottom line that "I" could see is that her daughter could only ride horses that were high priced and trained "for her". Her daughter could not ride "really" her skill was all about only being able to "ride the best made up horses". And I know that she "knew that" too so she had to try to make me feel inadequate when it was "her" that felt threatened.

I thought about that interaction, but I didn't allow myself to "take the emotional hit". I "instead" considered that I should appreciate the fact that I was there, competing and winning ribbons and "that was because I had accomplished skills" and had learned how to put myself in that atmosphere because "I" had skills while "others" had to "pay for skills they didn't have nor will ever have".

That French man "absorbs" Rose, and what he has to do is look for others to "blame" and take his "personal frustration out on". He doesn't know how to appreciate himself, and what he can do as a human being, which we call "low self esteem".
So his only way of handling that is to take it out on others. In essense Rose, he wanted to give "you" his problem.

What I noticed in participating in the "horse show world" is that this problem runs rampid. What happens is a parent spends a lot of money to "buy success for their child" and they put pressure on the "trainer" to make sure that happens. In turn the trainer puts pressure on the child, OR anyone who is involved with making that horse do it's job and win. And the poor horse often gets the brunt of that and can end up crippled and mistreated because of that.

And the "show barns" that have these "entiled people" have an atomosphere of who's child is the "best in the barn" and "the favorite of the trainer". There is "no" team work, "no" healthy interaction of the children, it is a very "toxic" environment.

When I talk about "snake pits" this is what I have had to deal with for "years" so I do know how to spot the "wrong barns to be a part of". In fact, it is nice to hear George Morris, the top trainer, talk about how this atmosphere, is not about "real quality horsemanship. The "great riders" are "not these "entitled" people.

In fact, there is a subculture of trainers and riders that do "connect" and only use these "entitled" people and their money, to have a means to "practice and enjoy real horsemanship themselves". And I found these people, they had to "know" that me and my daughter were that special kind of people that could be "included" in that private kind of "subculture".

That is something "you" have to find for yourself Rose too. But you have to be able to see the "irony of these people that are hurting you" and develope the skills to "deal with them" so you can slowly get "away" from them and find people that are much "healthier" to be around. And the more you "do that" the less the PTSD will challenge you.

Does that make sense to you? You "can" learn how to do this and make gains, you are not stupid, you just have to learn to observe things differently.

Open Eyes