I prayed so hard last night for God to just not let me wake up this morning, and yet here I am.

I got to see my son yesterday, and my husband. For the most part it went pretty well. We exchanged christmas gifts and he played in the play area at the mall. He didn't want me to leave his side. Which needless to say meant that I could not have a conversation with my husband. I wanted so badly to just grab him and hug him and tell him how sorry I am for screwing up and hurting him so badly. But I couldn't bring myself to do it. He just seemed so upset, and I don't know if it was because of me or because of the tragedy in CT or something else. He didn't seem in any hurry to talk to me about it anyway. I just wanted to make him feel better. I have been sending him letters in the mail explaining to him how sorry I am and that I wish he would give me a second chance. I don't know if he had recieved any of them as of yesterday. I didn't want to bring up the letter in case he had not gotten it yet, but I am afraid I screwed up a chance to discuss it with him.
When we were getting ready to leave my son got very upset that I was leaving him again. He kept saying that he wanted me to stay. My heart shattered into a million pieces when he asked me that, all I wanted to do is to climb in the car and say everything was going to be okay, and that I would never leave him again. But instead I promised him I would call him today. For a three year old he is a very smart little boy.
On the way home I had to do everything I could not to drive my car into the median going 65mph. What kept me from doing it was that I figured I would just seriously injure myself instead of successfully killing myself. I cryied most of the way home, longing for my husband to make it all better. I am in so much emotional pain right now, I don't want to do it anymore. I want more than anything to have my husband back, but I don't know how to do it. I feel extremely unimportant so why would anyone especially my husband want to hear what I have to say. I have let my son down, and am not there for him the way he needs me to be. I suck as a mother and as a wife. I just don't want to fight anymore. I am so tired of the constant battle, I don't want to do it anymore. I am stuck!!