I hope what I am going to tell you helps. If it does not my humble apologies and please just ignore me.

You didn't need to know your start in life and what a shame someone told you that. But having said that, let me stress to you that you don't need to internalize someone else's ill will, poor decision, or mistreatment. Nor do you need to continue worshiping at the shrine of your unhappy childhood.

Let me explain that. I know someone who is so bound up in what her family has done to her that it is likely she will never escape it. Not because she couldn't but because she will not. There is a difference. She has allowed her family to tell her she is an incompetent child unable to take care of herself. It might be possible to believe that were it not also for the fact that they have basically enslaved her to take care of all of them. She can't face the idea of all the work it would take to craft a happy adult life for herself. She cannot see that if she no longer had the burden of being slave to her abusive family, building a happy life wouldn't be a burden but a joy.

You are entitled to be happy. You are entitled to work on making things better so that you can experience happiness. That is what I did. I was programmed for failure and was a failure for many years. I finally started to piecemeal do what I could to help myself enjoy my life more.

I see an awful lot of anti-medicine threads on here. I'm not going to endorse that. I think medication can be a good adjunct to a lot of other things to help us live happier, healthier lives. What I take is no magic bullet. It alleviates some of my depression with minimal, manageable side affects. Dry mouth and blurred vision can be from other causes. If it has been several years since you got a physical or tried medication, you might want to get a check up for your general health and ask what is new in anti-depressants.

Please live your life now going forward and let the past rest. I believe you will be far better off if you try that. Courage!