I read a letter a friends abuser gave her and it caused me to have a memory.. letters... going with the memory.. I was very little.. I didn't want to do it.. i am crying.. daddy leaves the room. he's mad.... where is everyone? he comes back with letters... 2.. yellow long pages...scared...cold...

he makes me read them to him.. i am little.. reading is new... buig words.. his wrting hard to read... not used to handwriting like this... must be small..begging him no to make me read them...dont'know why..

one to my brothers.. he tells them he had to kill himself because I was too selfish to let him be the kind of father he wanted to be..he tells them to ask me why they have to grow up without a father.... he is sorry .. all he wanted is to show me how much he loved me...

The letter to mommy.. he tells her to thank me for having to take care of 4 children all alone... that I caused him so much pain he couldn't bear to live.. he was a failure because I wouldn't let him be a good father to me... i was his princess and he wasnted to teach me what I needed to know...forgive him he said to her..

there is more. can't remember all of it... painful.. so confused then.. really little.. maybe 6.. maybe 7... sitting there naked.. small... sad... scared. ashamed for causing him pain.. why am i so bad?

why do i hate this so much if i am supposed to know it one day....why does it feel so bad .. i want him to be happy. .to love me. but it hurts... feels awful...gone.. make it stop.. not thinking... can't feel.. now in the shower

when 2 people are finished making love they take a shower...together he said so.. didn't want to.... have to wash him... can't look.. ugly... thing.... can't see.. enough.. must stop here.... sorry.. only memories.. thats all.. breathing... . no editing... forgive me...