I'm really sorry about what happened with T today and how you are feeling.
It sounds like t did not express anything like a reasonably full understanding and validation of what you experienced in her absence. She may have that understanding, she might be willing to validate, but one cannot know unless the understanding and validation is actually expressed.
"Are you going to fire me?" does sound to me like a disconcerting thing to hear. Did you agree about the regular schedule? If yes, when do you see her again?
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Because I *did* lose it. I lost what we used to have.
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I think that there were two different forms of "losing it" under discussion. She, it sounds like, was talking about being able to continue on in school, having some approximation of a regular life. You are talking specifically abut the relationship that the two of you used to have.
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I'm so confused. I'm going to try and work it out here.
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This is good, it is an example of "using your resources"--which you did in her absence and are trying to continue to do.