i think we can get out of this alright. i am so much better now than i used to be. sometimes its just a bit much to look at how far ive come and realise im still barely started on the whole thing.
i think one of the reasons i spend so much time by myself is because i avoid making friends for fear of perpetuating these unhealthy ways of relating and i just dont know how to relate to people without all the facade of being in control and being the one with the cool head and the good advice and the one to listen.
i get what you mean about being at a place where resentment starts to build. then i feel so guilty and angry with myself because how dare i resent a situation that i created? i mean im the one who taught them i dont need (as you put it so well) and because, as you said, it does fulfil my need to feel important and making a difference, my need to feel like i can be a good person and do good things.
im beginning to get a very vague glimpse of the huge difference between the way i think of myself and the way i think of other people... sometimes... but i think maybe thats something i need to look closer at. in fact, now i think about it it might be really important. its a link i havent really focused on before...
im very glad you re doing better and moving forward with your healing. it takes so long but i guess we have to keep believing that if we keep asking questions of ourselves and searching for healthy answers we cant help but keep moving towards a better life. online is a great place to start looking at how to interact without falling into the unhealthy patterns that are so much harder to avoid off line. i hope anyway! i find it easier here too to try to figure out who the 'real' me is cos there isnt the same ... i dont know... presence or threat that there is IRL. i hope you find the same thing. feel free to pm me if you want btw. i like the way you think.