(((Big Mama))), that impacted you in your sense of self worth. It impacts a lot more people than you realize too.

I never intended on being in that environment the way I ended up in it. My daughter loved riding and showing and I supported her with that because of how she struggled in school with her dislexia, and didn't have a lot of friends. My goal was to keep her busy, and my journey in that world was a big surprise to me. Talk about learning on the fly, wow, there are some "real charectors" in that world.

There truely are a lot of "snake pits" in that world, and I had to learn to be on my toes. And when I talk about snake charming, I am not talking about "using" other people, I am talking about "surviving" because in that world, everyone is a "commodity" it can be mind boggling to say the least.

And I bought a horse for my daughter because the horse loved her and I felt he was a good horse. The trainer's exact words were "he is not the be all and end all". Well, he sure ate his words. And as soon as he realized it he kept it quiet from me, and he told people the horse was his, and he portrayed me as a rich client. He was playing all the angles. I used to go to the shows and stand and watch my daughter's horse compete and stand next to people that made it a point to watch him. He was winning so much and heading for state and zone champion. I sure learned alot standing fence side with people "money people" who had no idea that "I" owned the horse.

I began to see the snakes in the pit of a farm I was in, and I did charm them until I could get myself out of that barn. I left while that horse was winning and I did risk the championship. We did get the championship but boy did I ruffle some feathers.
However, because I was known to "walk away" somehow that put me in a different category, I was respected more. I was on a whole new level of learning as well.

What I did opened doors to me where I found my way to the kind of people that are not only healthier for me, but for my daughter as well.

I am not the kind of person who can lie and use people, I understand how people sometimes have to do that to survive. But I didn't want to play that game, I wanted my daughter to learn to ride, and she did just that.

My daughter is spending the weekend with another top and well known trainer from California. My husband went with her and called me and said, "well your daughter did it again, she is the star and the trainer is having fun working with her". My daughter stopped focusing on "riding for the ribbons" and understanding that often they are just bought anyway. She focused more on "learning how to ride" and she definitely can ride. I had spent many nights talking to my daughter very similar to how I am talking to Rose.

We can unknowingly choose to be "just a commodity" and think that unless we come home with the "ribbons" we are unworthy. If someone makes a comment to us, that is trying to put us down, we can either listen and absorb it, or make another choice, to learn and do "inspite of these people".

That is why I keep telling you Rose, you do have what you need, you are smart, educated and I have seen you express "passion", it is there. You just have to get past the snakes and understand how "not" to absorb and keep focused on what YOU can do for YOU inspite of the snakes. They are always going to try to bite you, and they just don't care, infact they bite each other too.

Big Mama, you have "talents" too, but you also absorb the issues of "others". You have to learn how you do that and also see your own value, because it is there. And I am here working on that myself. I got bitten really bad and I just didn't understand or ever expect to have to deal with PTSD either. I keep working at it, and I do make gains. I keep reminding myself "remember to keep learning" inspite of this challenge.

Open Eyes