I used to sleep around a lot. Part of me somehow thought it was okay.
I never liked myself. Always felt as if I wasn't good enough for anyone.
I lived for the moments where happiness felt OK. These guys would make me feel as if I mattered, they told me was beautiful, and sexy, but they didn't mean it. I could tell myself they did though.
I often felt out of place. The guys made me feel like I had a place, like I actually mattered. I have so many people in my life, but I never feel like I'm wanted nor needed. I feel like am intruder in my own home with my family even now.
It made me feel powerful, to flirt with the men and the boys. To make them want me. To make them try. I was the forbidden fruit.
I was free and wild, and I never listened to anyone. Ever. I was stubborn.
I didn't care what people thought, as long as they didn't know how I really felt about myself.
I loved that all my friends envied me, they would tell me they wished they had my confidence, my fearlessness. They had no idea what I was really like. That I wasn't really happy.
I know that if your reading this you'd think me a dirty wh*re, and I'd think that too. But my life was, and sometimes still is, a living hell. I was so so lonely, barely living. I guess I just needed someone to make me feel wanted for once. Do you think badly of me?
I don't do that any more. I'm a good girl in a good relationship, which makes me feel trapped because he sees me as his whole future, I'm his happily ever after. I love him. Do you still think bad of me?
I still get my kick online on sites like fetlife. I love it when I log in to see messages saying I caught their eye and showering me with compliments. Most of these are old skeezes but I don't care, they make me feel better about myself for a moment. I feel like I'm living a secret double life where I can be myself. I've gotten to know some amazing guys, but I like that they can try so hard even though my profile says in a relationship. I guess my guy would not like me chatting and flirting with all these guys, talking dirty and talking kinky. But it gives me a rush, makes me feel free. I'd never take up any offers, although there is the one guy I've really gotten to know well off it. Its just innocent.
What's your opinion of me now?