You sound so very lonely. I think many of the feelings that you are going through right now might be because of that. I wish I could come over there and give you a hug but I also know that probably won't help in the long run.

I have wondered so many of the same things that you are. And yes, even though happily married, I am still my own worst enemy. So I really identify with that. You are right - it is very catch22.

I wish I could give you a magical formula on how to get out of the feelings you are experiencing - I am sorry that you are feeling so down.

My thoughts are with you.