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Originally Posted by wounded1
Were you still in the marriage when you realized what you were doing? My husband still seems to be oblivious and acts like everything is fine (we're still co-habitating until after the new year). We don't talk about anything that's not kid related (at least I try not to), but he still walks around smiling and happy. I waffle back and forth between hurt and sadness (although I am careful not to let him or the kids see it). We do not discuss what has happened, but I know I am going to have to sit him down in the next few days and iron out the details of our split. I am already anticipating his anger.
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I knew that I was doing wrong but somehow justified it with my own anger towards my spouse, like it was her fault that my life was such a wreck. I was not smiling and happy but angry and bitter, couldn't wait to get her out of my life! I did not fully realize the pain and destruction I caused her until after I left. We split Aug 1 and we had an argument over the phone and she said my daughter asked her if she was gonna remarry so that she could have a full time daddy! That was about mid to late October, it was a thursday.
Well it took about 20 minutes of reflection over what my daughter asked my wife...and then I crumbled into a crying heap of sadness and begged God to forgive me. The pain in my head and heart and soul was so overwhelming, so monumental, and yet it freed me from the monster that I had become. I have not been the same man since that day.
I still want to reconcile with my wife but only a miracle from God is going to bring us back together. She said that there is too much damage that has been done over the years I didnt get any help and then the affair over the internet, our finances are ruined, we are going to lose our home next year, she no longer trusts me, has no plans to ever trust again! (HUGE sigh) I have been so remorseful and tell her all the time how wrong I was and how she is not to blame for any of this (as she always tried to do whatever she could to save our marriage...she swallowed a lot of pain and suffering over my actions over the years) and I do it to help her thru her pain over our split.
Most of the time when we talk it's like therapy for us both. I am understanding more about how she loved me and also of the depths of the pain I caused her. She is understanding why I acted the way I did ( from my anxiety and depression, low self esteem, and how I hid my pain behind lies and deception) and that I am truly sorry for my actions.
Hope some of this info helps you out.