Hi,
This is my first post and I am feeling so trapped in my current situation.
A brief summary of my illness and issues.

Age 44. Alcohilic or abused alcohol from the age of 15.
Grew up in a very aggressive alcoholic family (Father very agressive) in Ireland. He was hospitalized on at least three occasions for alcohlism and depression(depression was never mentioned)
Mother kept family together and always hoped for better things.
Always financially comfortable due to her business.

Left school and "ran off to England squatting and living in conditions not short of Squalor.
Came back in a wheelchair after falling out of a window drunk.

Given another chance to go to college. Took it and kept drinking and kept failing years leading to low self esteem and deep anger with Father who would criticize me and yet behave much worse.
Eventually got a BA Arts. but because I was 2 years older my thinking said I can never get a "proper job" so kept working in bars and restaurants.

DUI and lost my Licence and my mother passed away. "ran away" again to USA this time.

At this stage I am now 26 and have bounced in and out of AA many times puttingt ogether weeks sometimes months but always working in Bars and always going back on the drink eventually for happy or sad reasons.

Stumbled into crack cocaine and now Alcohol would only open the door.
Meanwhile I got married to an Asian American I'm caucasian. Have one beautiful sn who I adore. However the crack use devastated me financially and I have also tried to reinvent myself in other occupations.

Put together most recently a year sobriety after my second DUI.

Throughout all of this I have been in and out of AA and in and out of counselling and on and off many different Meds including Prozac, Aplenzin Seroquel wellbutrin lamictal neurontin trileptal. So many different combos and then possibly he might give me nuvigil to help concentration. I have not attended AA in a year became very anti AA (resentment and anger towards it have lifted) but relationship with my wife is at an all time low.

The issue with my wife is that throughout all our trials and tribulations the one thing I asked her to do was to attend counselling with me or on her own. She comes froms a very dysfunctional family also with a mother that works 7 days a week still at 77 and had a sister who was chronic depressive and died recently and a father she very much hates because she blames him for the Mother still working and then transfers the hate on to me saying she married a loser as well.

The fighting and the lack of communication between us spirals me into depression now rather than slamming the door and wanting to use and my son is being terribly affected. We basically take turns taking care of him.

Because I haven't worked for so long and I am financially broke the depression just weighs me down and I can't move out of this very comfortable uncomfrtability. I cannot keep being abused by her when I haven't done anything to deserve it. It is my prior history that is being brought up by her when she has a go at me and I just retreat to my room. (yes we are in seperate bedrooms)

I don't even know if I am available for social security. I worked as a bartender and got a lot of cash and didn't declare much. She leaves 350.00 each week on the table for me.
The depression or the way I feel stops me from taking action and I get further down spending a lot of the morning on the computer waiting for my son to come home.

I "think" I would be better off in a single room on my own. because as soon as I hear the garage door opening I start to just freeze up and get this deeply scared feeling in the pit of my stomach. The same way when my Father came home drunk. I am just waiting to be attaked.

I went off the meds (prozac) three months ago because I was still retreating to my room and still chronically depressed and did not feel they were alleviating any of the symptoms. The zaps have gone and I don't want to go and start anything at the moment. I haven't seen my doc in over two months. I am clear headed but I feel alone and scared. If I go back to the doc he will want me back on meds I fear. I need to get through this with support but the ony support network I know of is AA and I am "done" with that outdated and quite frankly failed support.

I am looking for advice and suggestions. I have no reason to believe in a higher power or any type of god. I am looking for a secular and a humanistic scientific and rational approach.
I have also looked at CBT but I am just looking right now for the support of like minded people who are struggling with their living situation and trying to make conditions as amicable as possible.
I did ask her if we could use email to express our feelings allowing the other to read and reflect and then give a response. Rather than getting very emotional and abusive to each other as usually happens(OR I retreat to my room or she will ignore any request to sit and talk or discuss)

Thank you.