((((OE)))) I came back to my post to edit / delete it now that I have calmed down. My anger, feelings, words were / are ugly and spiteful and I regret writing them. You are correct about the snakes... and about not sabotaging myself.

Seeing that they are doing the best they can with what they know and is familiar to them...throwing money at the problem to keep things at bay. I would rather receive an "I/we understand. I / we are so sorry. We have hurt you so much and damaged you" any day. But that will never come.

What I am afraid of, though, is the strings that come with the "help" and the keeping their conscious clean and patting themselves on the back for the "help" that they are offering.

That is what they have done my whole life. Starving me of emotional support and empathy and understanding. Really celebrating and seeing me and supporting me. Somehow, I think my success and moving away was perceived as some kind of threat to my mother....weird.

Her/them then gleefully holding power over me by withholding until I am an empty shell. Like a person denied water...and then giving them just enough to survive, and then congratulating themselves for their generosity. Absolving them of their sins. And then turning their backs again.

I am grateful to get out my anger here. I am not angry anymore. Now just at a crossroads...

I would never do anything to purposely hurt them. It's not who I am. I see the bigger picture. I have always been a kind, caring, creative spirit that wanted acceptance and nurturing (like my siblings), but never received that from them. It is all I ever wanted and never received. Just abuse, jealousy, withholding, separation and being made to feel as if I wasnt good enough. And never would be. No matter what I accomplished.

But it doesnt matter anymore because I am not a victim. I also am not a user (that is why it is so hard for me now to accept their kind of support).

Oh, btw, totally spot on about the French guy...you are right in that he is just passing down what he knows / was told /absorbed.