" I have always been a kind, caring, creative spirit that wanted acceptance and nurturing (like my siblings)quote Rose

Yes, this is "you" Rose, as you truely know and feel yourself. Very good to know self this way. You can remember this "you" that is your core.

, but never received that from them. It is all I ever wanted and never received. Just abuse, jealousy, withholding, separation and being made to feel as if I wasnt good enough. And never would be. No matter what I accomplished."quote Rose

Ok, this is your "core problem" Rose, and this is "not your fault" but you tend to go to this when you are hurting. You are angry about this, but you also allow yourself to accept defeat because of this.

This is a common problem for those that struggle with self esteem, and their core as well when they struggle with PTSD.

What you are doing is you have been "angry", but then you get that deep feeling of hurt, you are "grieving" this Rose. And in healing with PTSD, this does take place, recognizing what you have "lost" and expressing the "grieving process" over this loss.

However, Rose, at this point in your life, you are also going to understand "why" this happened, that it is not "your fault" and that it is more of a result of how the people who raised you truely did not know "how to nurture you properly so these feelings didn't take place in you".

Knowing the why has to not only come from seeing these people for who they are and what the do not know how to do. But to also allow yourself to also understand this emotionally.

"Her/them then gleefully holding power over me by withholding until I am an empty shell. Like a person denied water...and then giving them just enough to survive, and then congratulating themselves for their generosity. Absolving them of their sins. And then turning their backs again. " quote Rose

Ok, there is a lot of anger here for you Rose, do you see that? Once you accomplish the steps to healing from the above, this will not bother you anymore.
This is "their issues" and "not yours".

"But it doesnt matter anymore because I am not a victim. I also am not a user (that is why it is so hard for me now to accept their kind of support)." quote Rose

First part is good self talk, very good, but you still have to work on the first two things to get that truely remaped in your mind.

No, you are not a "user" you are "different from them" however, you do have to consider "your needs" here. And you do need to have a plan to get to where "you" need to be as a person. So, if these people are "offering" you help to do that, it might be to "your benefit" to consider it.

You are a single woman struggling with PTSD, you have talked about how these people have "hurt you" as well. So, if these people were supposed to nurture you and didn't, and the only thing they "can" offer is financial help, then I think that you should "consider taking the financial help".

What you have to consider Rose, is "your needs" and how you can find a way to help "you" and not allow yourself to "feel all the things above".

Ofcourse the ideal would be if you could "self help" all on your own, but if you cannot do that, then it is ok to accept funds to do so. You are not "using them" unless you are "like them" which we both know you are not. Allowing them to financially help you is not the same as being like them.

Take some time and sit down and make yourself a list of what you need to help you get therapy and also get yourself on a path to finally be free of them and their strings.

We know what Rose will not get from these people, we also know they simply do not know, nor did they ever know how to provide Rose with that. So Rose has to take time and figure out what "Rose wants or needs to finally become independant from these people". We do not have a very good economy right now so you have to think about and plan for that too. But it should be striving for indepence for you Rose. You do have your own "assets" Rose and you are now on a path to take these assets and "with some financial help" take steps to help you go down this path.

It is not about using, it is about surviving and thriving. Take some time to think things through. I understand this is a challenge. I can understand you could feel that taking financial help from them is giving them permission to abuse you somehow. But you do not have to allow yourself to go there emotionally. You have to consider what you need to survive right now. If you have to use some snake venom to save your life, well then so be it.

Open Eyes